This is the Beginning of the End

I find myself currently ensnared in the grasp of insomnia. This is an affliction I am not totally unfamiliar with, as I have had sleep issues for pretty much my entire life. However, when it kicks into high gear it begins to affect my life in unpredictable ways. I have been intending to get a post up over at Bonez for the last few days now, but with each passing night I find myself sleeping less and less. Ultimately, this places my mind in a fog, unable to clearly focus on any specific idea or train of thought.

These periods seem to come and go sporadically throughout my life. I'm currently at a handful of hours over the last 6 days. I'll lay myself down around 11, doped up on over the counter sleep aids and then just sit and stare, sometimes at the TV, and sometimes just at the black ceiling, often until 5 or 6 in the morning. Ultimately this means that if I sleep, it tends to only be for an hour, maybe two at the most. As a lifelong insomniac, I can deal with that for a certain number of days, but at some point it invariably catches up with me.

Today is one such day. I fell asleep in my car no less than 30 times this morning on the way to work, struggling to keep my eyes open, only to find myself veering into the other lane. 2 Red Bulls, a Five Hour Energy drink, a massive dose of Vitamin B, some gingko biloba and 3 cups of coffee later I am able to barely function for the day. I'll slouch my way through this day until my shift is complete and then sit in traffic for an hour until my return home. I can only pray that I manage to stay awake for the drive. Thankfully I have my mp3 player and lots of White Zombie and The Rolling Stones to crank.

I know that in many ways my insomnia is a reflection of the state of mind that I exist in. I have issues with both depression and anxiety. I'm not depressed in a Robert Smith of The Cure crying in my back yard because it's raining and nobody understands me kind of way, just a general malaise and melancholy that I never seem to be able to shake. The anxiety tends to be more in the forefront for me, and it is usually the causative factor in my sleepless episodes. I find myself laying awake at night, worrying myself sick for reasons I cannot comprehend. I don't know WHY I'm nervous, only that I AM. As with most people who suffer from mental illnesses, I do my best to put on a smile during the day and offer the facade of contentment and self assurance when in reality I am in turmoil under the surface with expectations of disaster and a lack of confidence.

What's the point of all this whining? Do I want sympathy? Fuck no. Seriously, all in all I'm doing fine. We all have our issues and we all deal with them the best we can. My station is better than some, worse than others, but I don't have the time to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I find that to be counter productive and ultimately a major pet peeve. I bring all this up merely to illustrate the reasons behind my disappearance from both Bonez and Haus der Heittenflauggen. It's not lack of interest by any means. It boils down to two factors, lack of belief in my output and and clouded and addled mind that doesn't allow me to hone in on the thoughts I wish to put forward.

I've always had a rather large interest in writing, and through the years have managed to accumulate a select few who seem to think I have a modicum of talent with it. One of my ultimate goals is to end up published. I'm not looking for fame and I don't care if 10 people ever read my shit. It's just the thought of creating something and getting it out there for people to see, if they are so inclined.

I have begun to find a new invigoration with writing once again, having had a few events in the last week or two that have renewed both my interest and my faith in my ability. Again, I'm not deluding myself. I'm no Herman Melville, but I do seem to be able to arrange letters in such patterns as to be appealing to both the eyes and the mind, depending on topic.

I have several ideas bubbling to the surface of the inky tar that makes up the majority of my brain. Some should be fun, some humorous. Hell, I might even get a touching one in there. The point is that I am making a renewed push to increase my output.

For those of you that bother to read the inane ramblings that I tend to scribble across the intarwebs, I hope you enjoy. I appreciate those few who take the time to read what I have to say, and particularly enjoy the limited interactions I am afforded with those folks.

As I've said in a million other posts, I hope this didn't come off as some horrific ego trip. I'm really not a conceited individual. I'm just trying to decorate my little corner of the web in a way that I see fit.