Gene Simmons - Paragon of Integrity

In a surprise announcement that has left audiences stunned and sent shockwaves rippling throughout the musical community, Gene Simmons of the rock brand KISS has publicly berated rival band Radiohead for contributing to the demise of the record industry. Simmons, the stalwart songwriter and sometimes crooner of such romantic ballads as "(You Make Me) Rock Hard", "Love Gun" and the ever popular "Lick It Up" expressed concern that Radiohead's recent "Pay what you think the music's worth" campaign for their latest album may have confused audiences by making them assume that music is art.

"I believe in my heart that anyone who gets up there and says what they're doing is art is on crack and is delusional," Simmons was quoted as saying, adding that real reason he or anybody else gets involved with music, "was to get laid and make lots of money". "Anybody who picks up a guitar and tells you that there's some inner message that they're trying to convey . . . it's nonsense. They're not being honest. The reason they're doing this is they wanna get lots of chicks and they don't want to work for a living."

Radiohead, a pretentious art-house band who have thus far produced only one song that made the charts (at number 22, no less) have achieved only 3 platinum and 4 gold albums in a career spanning nearly two decades. At the comparable point in KISS' career, they had already produced 11 platinum and 8 gold albums, as well as a movie, comic books, action figures, condoms, coffins, frisbees, trading cards, books, postage stamps, shirts, underwear, calendars, hats, pins, posters, glassware, jewelry and many other musical accoutrements too numerous to number. To date, Radiohead has barely capitalized on their name, releasing only a handful of posters and shirts.

Simmons expressed remorse over the decision of "art fags" such as Radiohead to provide their "art" for bargain basement prices, but believes he knows what heinous acts drove a decision of such desperation.

"The record industry is dead. It's six feet underground and unfortunately the fans have done this. They've decided to download and file share," Simmons noted, adding that "Every freshly-scrubbed little kid's face should have been sued off the face of the earth."

It is this meticulous attention to detail and understanding of the nature of fandom that has allowed Simmons and fellow KISS members Starchild, Spaceman and The Catman the opportunity to enjoy the finer things that life has to offer.

When questioned about how he was able to balance his integrity against his desire to shovel bags of cash into his personal accounts, Gene had this to say: "Prostitute yourself. As far as I'm concerned, that's even braver than waiting for the public to catch on."

Radiohead, who have to date never once referred to love as "a glove that fits just right" or a "muscle that makes me want to flex" have managed to achieve their minor level of fame without once breathing fire, spitting blood or traipsing about the stage in 8-inch platform shoes and studded codpieces. Simmons feels that this may very well be part of the reason for their comparative lack of success.

"I was never interested in being a rock star," he opined, "I wanted to be in a band that gave bang for the buck. I wanted to be in the band who didn't look like a bunch of guys who, you know, should be in a library studying for their finals." He went on to remind his fellow musicians that "when KISS became the No. 1 band, you know, within a year and a half, we were playing Anaheim Stadium and we had toys, games, comic books, everything you can imagine...And now in the '90s and the 2000 era, we've got over 2,500 licenses."

Gene Simmons can currently be seen on the family drama "Gene Simmons Family Jewels" on A&E.