I find myself currently ensnared in the grasp of insomnia. This is an affliction I am not totally unfamiliar with, as I have had sleep issues for pretty much my entire life. However, when it kicks into high gear it begins to affect my life in unpredictable ways. I have been intending to get a post up over at Bonez for the last few days now, but with each passing night I find myself sleeping less and less. Ultimately, this places my mind in a fog, unable to clearly focus on any specific idea or train of thought.
These periods seem to come and go sporadically throughout my life. I'm currently at a handful of hours over the last 6 days. I'll lay myself down around 11, doped up on over the counter sleep aids and then just sit and stare, sometimes at the TV, and sometimes just at the black ceiling, often until 5 or 6 in the morning. Ultimately this means that if I sleep, it tends to only be for an hour, maybe two at the most. As a lifelong insomniac, I can deal with that for a certain number of days, but at some point it invariably catches up with me.
Today is one such day. I fell asleep in my car no less than 30 times this morning on the way to work, struggling to keep my eyes open, only to find myself veering into the other lane. 2 Red Bulls, a Five Hour Energy drink, a massive dose of Vitamin B, some gingko biloba and 3 cups of coffee later I am able to barely function for the day. I'll slouch my way through this day until my shift is complete and then sit in traffic for an hour until my return home. I can only pray that I manage to stay awake for the drive. Thankfully I have my mp3 player and lots of White Zombie and The Rolling Stones to crank.
I know that in many ways my insomnia is a reflection of the state of mind that I exist in. I have issues with both depression and anxiety. I'm not depressed in a Robert Smith of The Cure crying in my back yard because it's raining and nobody understands me kind of way, just a general malaise and melancholy that I never seem to be able to shake. The anxiety tends to be more in the forefront for me, and it is usually the causative factor in my sleepless episodes. I find myself laying awake at night, worrying myself sick for reasons I cannot comprehend. I don't know WHY I'm nervous, only that I AM. As with most people who suffer from mental illnesses, I do my best to put on a smile during the day and offer the facade of contentment and self assurance when in reality I am in turmoil under the surface with expectations of disaster and a lack of confidence.
What's the point of all this whining? Do I want sympathy? Fuck no. Seriously, all in all I'm doing fine. We all have our issues and we all deal with them the best we can. My station is better than some, worse than others, but I don't have the time to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I find that to be counter productive and ultimately a major pet peeve. I bring all this up merely to illustrate the reasons behind my disappearance from both Bonez and Haus der Heittenflauggen. It's not lack of interest by any means. It boils down to two factors, lack of belief in my output and and clouded and addled mind that doesn't allow me to hone in on the thoughts I wish to put forward.
I've always had a rather large interest in writing, and through the years have managed to accumulate a select few who seem to think I have a modicum of talent with it. One of my ultimate goals is to end up published. I'm not looking for fame and I don't care if 10 people ever read my shit. It's just the thought of creating something and getting it out there for people to see, if they are so inclined.
I have begun to find a new invigoration with writing once again, having had a few events in the last week or two that have renewed both my interest and my faith in my ability. Again, I'm not deluding myself. I'm no Herman Melville, but I do seem to be able to arrange letters in such patterns as to be appealing to both the eyes and the mind, depending on topic.
I have several ideas bubbling to the surface of the inky tar that makes up the majority of my brain. Some should be fun, some humorous. Hell, I might even get a touching one in there. The point is that I am making a renewed push to increase my output.
For those of you that bother to read the inane ramblings that I tend to scribble across the intarwebs, I hope you enjoy. I appreciate those few who take the time to read what I have to say, and particularly enjoy the limited interactions I am afforded with those folks.
As I've said in a million other posts, I hope this didn't come off as some horrific ego trip. I'm really not a conceited individual. I'm just trying to decorate my little corner of the web in a way that I see fit.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Of Ham and Eggs of Green
Mere moments had passed since my morning respite, and I, feeling quite refreshed and eager to face the day’s challenges had nestled myself snugly into my favorite chair, perchance to rest just a bit longer.
Suddenly, I heard the sound. It was that of boot on cobblestone, ratcheting the air and befouling my repose with its blasphemous clatter. I clasped my hands to my ears, ratiocinating under duress that mayhap if I could not hear the commotion approaching, then indeed this very act would cease its infernal racket. But unfortunately, it was not to be, for out in the distance, on the horizon, a figure appeared, bathed in shadow its name and meaning a beguiling mystery to me.
The dark figure neared, and as it approached I became keenly aware of a placard being held aloft by the mysterious figure. My mind awash with curiosity, I had no choice but to stare at the unholy visage as it passed.
The sign was simple, and bore but three words. “Samuel I am”, and as quickly as he had appeared, the stranger once again disappeared into shadow.
“What manner of imp is this,” I wondered aloud, “which takes such pleasure in disrupting the serenity of others on such a fine day!”
I closed my eyes for a fleeting moment, and upon reopening them discovered that the vile creature had returned, yet this time his bill was turned and the image of his new message burned itself into my consciousness.
I hesitate to reveal to you, dear reader, the words so emblazoned in my psyche, but for the benefit of your edification I have no choice but to make these words clear.
“I am Samuel”.
Whence from this beast came, I cannot say, but suffice to say my animosity towards this creature was ever growing.
“That Samuel! That Samuel! I truly fear this beast from Hell!”
Unbeknownst to me, dear reader, this vile monster heard every word uttered forth from my gullet, and with a mischievous grin turned to face me, holding a platter of mysterious foodstuffs, and ushered forth the following discourse.
“What say you to ham and eggs of green?”
Rage swelled within me. What right did this beast have to question me on culinary matters? Was he so numb to the audacity of the situation that he believed himself justified to treat me as such? I had no choice but to reply.
“Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel”
I would like to say to you, my literary compatriot, that this tirade of mine rid me of the hideous curse of Samuel’s companionship, but alas, the good lord saw fit to continue my trials alongside this insidious fiend.
“Would you prefer them hence or whence?”
“I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”
And with this said, Samuel grabbed me bodily and pulled me from my chair, forcibly pushing your humble narrator down the road until we approached the residence of my neighbor. I stifled the urge to cry for help, knowing full well that not a soul apart from vermin was stirring within this home.
“How about against this wall
To sup along a beast which crawls?”
“Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”
Samuel spun me round and faced me towards a crate which lay on the ground.
“Would you consider in a crate
With perchance, a fox as mate?”
“This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”
And again under his control, I was led forth to a horse and buggy hitched alongside the road.
“Wouldst you say nay if t’were in a carriage?
Could you do so without such umbrage?”
“Again I speak without delay
Why cannot you leave this day?
This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”
But Samuel’s resolve was unshaken, and pointing to the nearest tree continued his attempt to sway my opinion.
“Your words to me seek to deceive
You might enjoy amongst the leaves.”
“Oh why, oh why must you persist?
Your presence is a pestilence
Again I speak without delay
Why cannot you leave this day?
This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”
“Perhaps surrounded by a group of men?”
“No, no, no, I say again!
Your manners are so full of sin
Have I not made myself clear?
With you I will not sup this year
Oh why, oh why must you persist?
Your presence is a pestilence
Again I speak without delay
Why cannot you leave this day?
This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”
And with this, he forced me into my neighbor’s home, and moving quickly drew back the curtains to drown out all of this glorious day’s sun.
“What about right in here?
For if it is the sight you fear
Then eating here in room of black
Would help you to enjoy this snack”
“It is not the food I fear
It is your unsightly leer
I do not care to try such food
Especially from one so rude
No, no, no, I say again!
Your manners are so full of sin
Have I not made myself clear?
With you I will not sup this year
Oh why, oh why must you persist?
Your presence is a pestilence
Again I speak without delay
Why cannot you leave this day?
This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”
“You do not like my food so well?”
“I don’t like YOU, foul Samuel!”
At once Sam burst through the door. For a moment I felt elated, the beast now fully dissipated, his mind must now be deflated, because this creature I have berated.
It must be apparent to you by now that the time I had spent with Samuel had taken its toll on me. I was finding myself now thinking in rhyme, a trait which can only be attributed to the scourge knownst to you as Samuel.
Just as I was collecting myself and making preparations for the cessation of my day, the door burst open and in came Sam with a beast of burden. Looking me coldly in the eyes he continued his tirade.
“Would you dine now with this goat?
Not here, of course, but on a boat?”
My rage bubbled to the surface.
“Why is it that you cannot see
That your games do not tempt me
It may just be, I cannot tell
That you are a beast from Hell
Leave me now, and let me be!
You foul accursed entity!
It is not the food I fear
It is your unsightly leer
I do not care to try such food
Especially from one so rude
No, no, no, I say again!
Your manners are so full of sin
Have I not made myself clear?
With you I will not sup this year
Oh why, oh why must you persist?
Your presence is a pestilence
Again I speak without delay
Why cannot you leave this day?
This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”
And spaketh Samuel:
“You claim to hate them, so you say
But these you have not tried this day
Perhaps with just one simple bite
Your inner spirit will alight
One taste for you, it will delight
And then I will bade you good night”
Finding myself unable to bear this torment any further, I sought to placate the insatiable desires of my most loathsome acquaintance.
“If I had a single wish
T’would be your head upon this dish
But since this wish cannot come true
I’ll do my best to placate you
After all your endless taunts
I find it is your meal I want
If this can make you go away
This food I will eat everyday!”
And so, with trembling hands full of trepidation, I did, in fact, eat every bite of food proffered to me. I would not go so far as to say I did this with glee, but I did not hesitate for fear that Samuel would not leave. To my great surprise, I found his dish to be a culinary masterpiece, resplendent with flavor and of a perfect texture and consistency. To Samuel I then turned.
“Truth be told, dear Samuel
I mistook you for a beast from Hell
I ate your food, you got your wish
I would even have another dish
With your means I can’t agree
All you did was trouble me
But your point now has been made
My debt to you has now been paid
I do like them, as you say
And would eat them everyday
I would eat them with your goat
Even perched upon a boat
I would eat in room of black
Upon your food I would then snack
I would eat this meal again
Even amongst a group of men
Though appearances may deceive
I would eat within a group of leaves
I’d still eat them, don’t disparage
Even if offered to me in a carriage
I thought, perhaps, this food I’d hate
But now I find I cannot wait
To sup within a wooden crate
With, perchance, a fox as mate
And with a beast, though it may crawl
I would dine right here against this wall
I would have them hence or whence
I would have them anywhere, since
As you have made abundantly clear
This food to me, it does endear
And though my mind was clouded then
This meal of yours I’ll eat again
And so I say without delay
I’ll dine with you another day
To sit and eat, and talk as well
With you, my dear friend Samuel.”
And Samuel, his task being completed, made quick with the gathering of his things and left me to myself, to ponder the meaning of our strange acquaintance. And to you, dear reader, I say only this, that food was an eternal bliss, and though I did not judge him well, I truly love that Samuel.
Suddenly, I heard the sound. It was that of boot on cobblestone, ratcheting the air and befouling my repose with its blasphemous clatter. I clasped my hands to my ears, ratiocinating under duress that mayhap if I could not hear the commotion approaching, then indeed this very act would cease its infernal racket. But unfortunately, it was not to be, for out in the distance, on the horizon, a figure appeared, bathed in shadow its name and meaning a beguiling mystery to me.
The dark figure neared, and as it approached I became keenly aware of a placard being held aloft by the mysterious figure. My mind awash with curiosity, I had no choice but to stare at the unholy visage as it passed.
The sign was simple, and bore but three words. “Samuel I am”, and as quickly as he had appeared, the stranger once again disappeared into shadow.
“What manner of imp is this,” I wondered aloud, “which takes such pleasure in disrupting the serenity of others on such a fine day!”
I closed my eyes for a fleeting moment, and upon reopening them discovered that the vile creature had returned, yet this time his bill was turned and the image of his new message burned itself into my consciousness.
I hesitate to reveal to you, dear reader, the words so emblazoned in my psyche, but for the benefit of your edification I have no choice but to make these words clear.
“I am Samuel”.
Whence from this beast came, I cannot say, but suffice to say my animosity towards this creature was ever growing.
“That Samuel! That Samuel! I truly fear this beast from Hell!”
Unbeknownst to me, dear reader, this vile monster heard every word uttered forth from my gullet, and with a mischievous grin turned to face me, holding a platter of mysterious foodstuffs, and ushered forth the following discourse.
“What say you to ham and eggs of green?”
Rage swelled within me. What right did this beast have to question me on culinary matters? Was he so numb to the audacity of the situation that he believed himself justified to treat me as such? I had no choice but to reply.
“Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel”
I would like to say to you, my literary compatriot, that this tirade of mine rid me of the hideous curse of Samuel’s companionship, but alas, the good lord saw fit to continue my trials alongside this insidious fiend.
“Would you prefer them hence or whence?”
“I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”
And with this said, Samuel grabbed me bodily and pulled me from my chair, forcibly pushing your humble narrator down the road until we approached the residence of my neighbor. I stifled the urge to cry for help, knowing full well that not a soul apart from vermin was stirring within this home.
“How about against this wall
To sup along a beast which crawls?”
“Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”
Samuel spun me round and faced me towards a crate which lay on the ground.
“Would you consider in a crate
With perchance, a fox as mate?”
“This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”
And again under his control, I was led forth to a horse and buggy hitched alongside the road.
“Wouldst you say nay if t’were in a carriage?
Could you do so without such umbrage?”
“Again I speak without delay
Why cannot you leave this day?
This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”
But Samuel’s resolve was unshaken, and pointing to the nearest tree continued his attempt to sway my opinion.
“Your words to me seek to deceive
You might enjoy amongst the leaves.”
“Oh why, oh why must you persist?
Your presence is a pestilence
Again I speak without delay
Why cannot you leave this day?
This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”
“Perhaps surrounded by a group of men?”
“No, no, no, I say again!
Your manners are so full of sin
Have I not made myself clear?
With you I will not sup this year
Oh why, oh why must you persist?
Your presence is a pestilence
Again I speak without delay
Why cannot you leave this day?
This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”
And with this, he forced me into my neighbor’s home, and moving quickly drew back the curtains to drown out all of this glorious day’s sun.
“What about right in here?
For if it is the sight you fear
Then eating here in room of black
Would help you to enjoy this snack”
“It is not the food I fear
It is your unsightly leer
I do not care to try such food
Especially from one so rude
No, no, no, I say again!
Your manners are so full of sin
Have I not made myself clear?
With you I will not sup this year
Oh why, oh why must you persist?
Your presence is a pestilence
Again I speak without delay
Why cannot you leave this day?
This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”
“You do not like my food so well?”
“I don’t like YOU, foul Samuel!”
At once Sam burst through the door. For a moment I felt elated, the beast now fully dissipated, his mind must now be deflated, because this creature I have berated.
It must be apparent to you by now that the time I had spent with Samuel had taken its toll on me. I was finding myself now thinking in rhyme, a trait which can only be attributed to the scourge knownst to you as Samuel.
Just as I was collecting myself and making preparations for the cessation of my day, the door burst open and in came Sam with a beast of burden. Looking me coldly in the eyes he continued his tirade.
“Would you dine now with this goat?
Not here, of course, but on a boat?”
My rage bubbled to the surface.
“Why is it that you cannot see
That your games do not tempt me
It may just be, I cannot tell
That you are a beast from Hell
Leave me now, and let me be!
You foul accursed entity!
It is not the food I fear
It is your unsightly leer
I do not care to try such food
Especially from one so rude
No, no, no, I say again!
Your manners are so full of sin
Have I not made myself clear?
With you I will not sup this year
Oh why, oh why must you persist?
Your presence is a pestilence
Again I speak without delay
Why cannot you leave this day?
This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”
And spaketh Samuel:
“You claim to hate them, so you say
But these you have not tried this day
Perhaps with just one simple bite
Your inner spirit will alight
One taste for you, it will delight
And then I will bade you good night”
Finding myself unable to bear this torment any further, I sought to placate the insatiable desires of my most loathsome acquaintance.
“If I had a single wish
T’would be your head upon this dish
But since this wish cannot come true
I’ll do my best to placate you
After all your endless taunts
I find it is your meal I want
If this can make you go away
This food I will eat everyday!”
And so, with trembling hands full of trepidation, I did, in fact, eat every bite of food proffered to me. I would not go so far as to say I did this with glee, but I did not hesitate for fear that Samuel would not leave. To my great surprise, I found his dish to be a culinary masterpiece, resplendent with flavor and of a perfect texture and consistency. To Samuel I then turned.
“Truth be told, dear Samuel
I mistook you for a beast from Hell
I ate your food, you got your wish
I would even have another dish
With your means I can’t agree
All you did was trouble me
But your point now has been made
My debt to you has now been paid
I do like them, as you say
And would eat them everyday
I would eat them with your goat
Even perched upon a boat
I would eat in room of black
Upon your food I would then snack
I would eat this meal again
Even amongst a group of men
Though appearances may deceive
I would eat within a group of leaves
I’d still eat them, don’t disparage
Even if offered to me in a carriage
I thought, perhaps, this food I’d hate
But now I find I cannot wait
To sup within a wooden crate
With, perchance, a fox as mate
And with a beast, though it may crawl
I would dine right here against this wall
I would have them hence or whence
I would have them anywhere, since
As you have made abundantly clear
This food to me, it does endear
And though my mind was clouded then
This meal of yours I’ll eat again
And so I say without delay
I’ll dine with you another day
To sit and eat, and talk as well
With you, my dear friend Samuel.”
And Samuel, his task being completed, made quick with the gathering of his things and left me to myself, to ponder the meaning of our strange acquaintance. And to you, dear reader, I say only this, that food was an eternal bliss, and though I did not judge him well, I truly love that Samuel.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
3602
That's how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Well, that's how many it took ME. I spent a few hours one day with a Tootsie Pop, making certain to use a uniform lick pattern and only attacking one specific zone on its circumference. I would lick and then tick off on a pad of paper. When I finally reached the center, I had ticked my 3,602nd tick. I sent this information to the good people of the Tootsie company and received a form letter back essentially telling me that I had wasted at least 3,602 seconds of my life in one fell swoop.
Incidentally, it takes roughly 2,400 uniform licks on a Tootsie Pop to cause your tongue to bleed.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
2 Scoops of Ammonium Nitrate
Don't ask me to explain. I really don't know that I can. I can tell you that no drugs or alcohol were involved in its creation. It came about from my roommate and I having a contest as to who could draw the best Ninja Turtle. I just kinda kept going with it. I don't know why there's a hair dryer. The plane crashing into the building speaks for itself, though I cannot recall the significance of the 1:10 over it. The dog was my roommate's. A doughnut. A cellphone. An empty syringe. Honestly, I don't know. The title of the piece is the same as this entry, though. I do recall drawing the stink lines, however, and was steadfast at the time that the fly was required to really bring out the odor.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Just This Guy, You Know?
Since I seem to be infesting Bonez with my puerile bilge, I suppose I should utilize my personal space just to say a little bit about who the hell I am. As anyone who has been unfortunate enough to wander across my rantings on Bonez knows, I tend to post on more macabre subjects. While I certainly do have a penchant for morbidity, I can assure you that I am not always cursed with such a lugubrious countenance.
I'm the quiet guy that lurks in the shadows. Shy, unassuming, the type that is largely ignored. However, I enjoy nothing more in this life than laughter. My sensibilities and humor, while a tad on the dark side, are freely presented to all of those that I associate with. I have an unquenchable thirst to find a photo or video which offends me. To date, nothing. I have a very "anything goes" attitude towards my entertainment. Almost nothing is out of bounds. (Exploitation of children being my only no-no.) Unfortunately, I sometimes forget that others do not share this trait with me. I do have a problem with saying what's on my mind, which is usually not something that people want to hear. >:) I was a long-time holdout in joining in on the Bonez project due to my fear of stepping over Bonez' boundaries. I have found them to be refreshingly lax, and I have had lengthy conversations with Bonez himself about the possibilities for my future contributions.
Gads, this all feels so egotistical. I guess I just wanted Bonez readers to know that I actually do enjoy things outside the realm of shock, violence and horror. I like kittens. I like cookies. I even like children!
My avatar of the freshly shaven leg with a Pac-Man tattoo? That's mine. ;) The left leg will soon be sleeved with my love of video games. My knowledge of video games borders on encyclopedic. My knowledge of Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and horror cinema is not far behind. I am very much the geek. All in all, I'm pretty harmless. Well. Mostly Harmless. (Props to anybody who knows the reference.)
Okay, enough of my verbal masturbation. I don't expect anybody to actually read this, but if you wonder into my neck of the woods due to my contributions to Bonez, know that I'm almost as normal as the rest of you.
I'm the quiet guy that lurks in the shadows. Shy, unassuming, the type that is largely ignored. However, I enjoy nothing more in this life than laughter. My sensibilities and humor, while a tad on the dark side, are freely presented to all of those that I associate with. I have an unquenchable thirst to find a photo or video which offends me. To date, nothing. I have a very "anything goes" attitude towards my entertainment. Almost nothing is out of bounds. (Exploitation of children being my only no-no.) Unfortunately, I sometimes forget that others do not share this trait with me. I do have a problem with saying what's on my mind, which is usually not something that people want to hear. >:) I was a long-time holdout in joining in on the Bonez project due to my fear of stepping over Bonez' boundaries. I have found them to be refreshingly lax, and I have had lengthy conversations with Bonez himself about the possibilities for my future contributions.
Gads, this all feels so egotistical. I guess I just wanted Bonez readers to know that I actually do enjoy things outside the realm of shock, violence and horror. I like kittens. I like cookies. I even like children!
My avatar of the freshly shaven leg with a Pac-Man tattoo? That's mine. ;) The left leg will soon be sleeved with my love of video games. My knowledge of video games borders on encyclopedic. My knowledge of Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and horror cinema is not far behind. I am very much the geek. All in all, I'm pretty harmless. Well. Mostly Harmless. (Props to anybody who knows the reference.)
Okay, enough of my verbal masturbation. I don't expect anybody to actually read this, but if you wonder into my neck of the woods due to my contributions to Bonez, know that I'm almost as normal as the rest of you.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Inceptual mumblings.....
There are few things on this earth more appealing to the ladies than a man with creative talent and ability. For example, women will swoon for a man that can play guitar and croon for them. It requires the complete trifecta: talent, skill and a willingness to put your worries aside and care not if others appreciate the majesty of your performance.
Some of us, however, don't have time for all that crap. Let's be realistic, it takes YEARS to learn how to play those things with any degree of skill. And then even if you learn it, you've got to make sure that the genres of music you play are compatible to the tastes of the woman you are attempting to woo. Go ahead and try to play anything off "Supersadomasochisticexpialidocious" by Elvis Hitler to a girl whose principal musical interest lies in Hank Williams, Sr. and see how for you get. And I'm not just talking out of my ass, here. I've been learning to play guitar for almost a solid week at this point, and let me tell you, it ain't as easy as it looks.
Luckily, there are options for those of us with all the natural talents of a sloth coupled with the attention span of a goldfish. I am referring, of course, to Guitar Hero, the video game phenomenon that has taken the country by storm.
If you have detected any hint of sarcasm or smarminess up to this point, know that it was indeed intentional and that any love I profess for the aforementioned game from this point forward is entirely genuine.
Guitar Hero, for those not in the know, is a video game for the Playstation 2 and XBox 360 systems that allows you to simulate all the awesomeness of being a rock star without all the hassle of learning how to play an instrument. You are presented with a plastic representation of a real guitar, albeit in a smaller scale. Said guitar contains five buttons on the neck, Green, Red, Yellow, Blue and Orange, as well as a bar for "strumming" where the strings would be.
The premise is simple: A well-known (or not, depending on your tastes) song is played with you filling the role of the lead guitarist. The five buttons are represented at the bottom of the screen while the notes you are to play fly at you at a blinding speed. When the note you are to hit reaches the bottom of the screen, hit the appropriate button and strum the note. Play well and you raise your score while delighting the audience. Miss a note and a small squelch sounds. Miss too many notes and the audience becomes hostile, eventually booing you off the stage.
Guitar Hero, much like its true instrumental counterpart, requires practice. Early difficulties have you only managing three of the fret buttons. Expert has you flying back and forth over all five. Like real guitar, practice is the key. Unlike real guitar, you can get pretty good pretty quick. The true masters dedicate disturbing amounts of time to honing their craft.
What the game does offer, though, is a quick thrill. It is exhilarating to get lost in the moment, nailing key passages, solos, trills and whatever else the game throws at you. There are many songs to work your way through, of varying difficulty.
Those that have known me for any length of time know of my love for this game. As I mentioned earlier, I have now been learning real guitar for nearly a week, and I can attribute a large part of my interest in learning as a result of my love for the digital version.
However, like any relationship, there is a darker side. The current bane of my existence is Hangar 18 on Expert. No song in this game tripped me up for more than 5 attempts. I number well over 100 attempts on this song and can't get past the 90% mark. To add insult to injury, this song was one of the main songs that bolstered my interest initially. I am a lifelong Megadeth fan and that song is one of their masterpieces.
Alas, I know not whether or not I will ever beat that song. If I were to do so, all I would have left is Freebird and then I could live out my life content with my level of awesomeness. For now I must simply live with the fact that I am only rated at "Super cool" instead of "Wicked bad" when it comes to this game.
With the arrival of a real guitar in my life, I find my interest in plastic guitars waning. I'm sure that interest will rekindle with the advent of the next sequel...80's edition! \m/ (-_-) \m/
For now I guess I will end this missive. It's been rambling, incoherent and without any real point or merit. Par for the course, I guess.
Some of us, however, don't have time for all that crap. Let's be realistic, it takes YEARS to learn how to play those things with any degree of skill. And then even if you learn it, you've got to make sure that the genres of music you play are compatible to the tastes of the woman you are attempting to woo. Go ahead and try to play anything off "Supersadomasochisticexpialidocious" by Elvis Hitler to a girl whose principal musical interest lies in Hank Williams, Sr. and see how for you get. And I'm not just talking out of my ass, here. I've been learning to play guitar for almost a solid week at this point, and let me tell you, it ain't as easy as it looks.
Luckily, there are options for those of us with all the natural talents of a sloth coupled with the attention span of a goldfish. I am referring, of course, to Guitar Hero, the video game phenomenon that has taken the country by storm.
If you have detected any hint of sarcasm or smarminess up to this point, know that it was indeed intentional and that any love I profess for the aforementioned game from this point forward is entirely genuine.
Guitar Hero, for those not in the know, is a video game for the Playstation 2 and XBox 360 systems that allows you to simulate all the awesomeness of being a rock star without all the hassle of learning how to play an instrument. You are presented with a plastic representation of a real guitar, albeit in a smaller scale. Said guitar contains five buttons on the neck, Green, Red, Yellow, Blue and Orange, as well as a bar for "strumming" where the strings would be.
The premise is simple: A well-known (or not, depending on your tastes) song is played with you filling the role of the lead guitarist. The five buttons are represented at the bottom of the screen while the notes you are to play fly at you at a blinding speed. When the note you are to hit reaches the bottom of the screen, hit the appropriate button and strum the note. Play well and you raise your score while delighting the audience. Miss a note and a small squelch sounds. Miss too many notes and the audience becomes hostile, eventually booing you off the stage.
Guitar Hero, much like its true instrumental counterpart, requires practice. Early difficulties have you only managing three of the fret buttons. Expert has you flying back and forth over all five. Like real guitar, practice is the key. Unlike real guitar, you can get pretty good pretty quick. The true masters dedicate disturbing amounts of time to honing their craft.
What the game does offer, though, is a quick thrill. It is exhilarating to get lost in the moment, nailing key passages, solos, trills and whatever else the game throws at you. There are many songs to work your way through, of varying difficulty.
Those that have known me for any length of time know of my love for this game. As I mentioned earlier, I have now been learning real guitar for nearly a week, and I can attribute a large part of my interest in learning as a result of my love for the digital version.
However, like any relationship, there is a darker side. The current bane of my existence is Hangar 18 on Expert. No song in this game tripped me up for more than 5 attempts. I number well over 100 attempts on this song and can't get past the 90% mark. To add insult to injury, this song was one of the main songs that bolstered my interest initially. I am a lifelong Megadeth fan and that song is one of their masterpieces.
Alas, I know not whether or not I will ever beat that song. If I were to do so, all I would have left is Freebird and then I could live out my life content with my level of awesomeness. For now I must simply live with the fact that I am only rated at "Super cool" instead of "Wicked bad" when it comes to this game.
With the arrival of a real guitar in my life, I find my interest in plastic guitars waning. I'm sure that interest will rekindle with the advent of the next sequel...80's edition! \m/ (-_-) \m/
For now I guess I will end this missive. It's been rambling, incoherent and without any real point or merit. Par for the course, I guess.
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