This Is For You

"I'm waiting for...as soon as the manager leaves, I'm going to ...uh....do it." This is the chilling introduction to the harrowing final three minutes of a young man's life. A final three minutes predicated by a slow descent into mental collapse that was meticulously documented via videotape. The final three minutes of Ricardo Lopez.

January 14, 1996, the 21st birthday of Ricardo Lopez was the beginning of what would be his eight month spiral into the darkest depths of the mind. Already dealing with an unhealthy obsession towards Icelandic singer Bjork, Lopez decided that day to become "the angel of death for her."

So begins the 18 hours of footage detailing his plans, his actions and his motivations. It is a grim glimpse into the mind of someone who is slowly losing their touch with reality. A view of a mind that has become duplicitous, capable of interacting with other people externally in an unnoticable fashion while teeming and seething inside, burning with a desire to destroy both itself and others.

The method of this destruction was to be a bomb, disguised as a book, which he would mail to Bjork. This bomb was designed to spray Bjork in the face with a large payload of acid with the intent of either killing her outright or disfiguring her for life. He chronicled the design, testing and ultimate creation of this bomb over the coming days. The day after mailing this bomb to Bjork, he took his own life, also on camera.

The hours of tapes left by Lopez leave the viewer with a keen insight into the decaying mind of one who is slowly losing their grasp on reality. There is an intimacy to be found, as this man, damaged though he may be, is allowing you, as voyeur, to follow down the path behind him, hoping to give you as a viewer some insight into exactly what motivates him and why he has come to this decision.

These are not easy videos to watch. Reality is far scarier than fiction, and his descent only seeks to emphasize the fact that anybody has the ability to fall just as far. His tapes were created not to establish a cult of personality or to bring himself undue fame and attention. These tapes exist to serve as a warning to others who might find themselves sliding into the same trap as himself.

That he was a victim of a mind beyond his control is apparent in those last few minutes of his life. The stage was set for his actions, and the same meticuolous attention to detail was paid for the final scene. His head was shaved clean of all hair and painted in a set of crimson and green stripes. A hand written sign was placed behind him with the cryptic message "The best of me" scrawled across it. (Popular speculation is that he had intended blood and brain matter to hit the sign after the act, hence the phrase.) With a computer nearby to provide the soundtrack he makes his final statements to the world.

[The song Venus As A Boy plays in the background]

I just want to say, that...uh...my last words. What are my last words? Well, fuck the world, that's my last words. And, uh, fuck Bjork. Her and her nigger loving self. Um, the chances of it [the bomb] being entirely successful, like I said before, I'm not gonna count on it. But, nonetheless, it being out there, I consider it a great venture. Nonetheless, I was gonna die anyway. Not because of her, but...uh...rather because of my own reasons. Um...Let me just check one more time.

[He gets up and adjusts the camera. When the film resumes, I Remember You is playing.]

This death is for you, Bjork. No, excuse me...uh...for you to see it. In some compensation for the pain that I have caused you and or maybe will cause...uh....Everything else in my life that I've fantasized about, I've accomplished.

This is...uh...This is the last song. After this, I'm dead.

He begins to take a series of long, deep breaths, occassionally glancing back at the camera. He seems to be placing himself into a trancelike state, likely to allow his body to perform the physical actions that his mind will resist on instinct alone. After twenty or so breaths, he quickly brings the gun to his mouth, says "This is for you" and pulls the trigger. His body slumps to the floor and the soundtrack goes quiet aside from the sound of the blood leaving his head.

What purpose can this video serve, aside from the ghoulish entertainment of people that you'd rather not meet? It serves two purposes. The first is as a warning. This video allows you to see firsthand what can happen when a mind loses control and proper help is not sought. There is no doubt that Ricardo's fate would have been different, had he gotten the help he obviously needed. The other purpose is to serve as an intimate account of where the mind can go, given the freedom to do so. Ricardo ultimately takes the viewer down the darker paths of life that the majority of us would never tread. But like it or not, those paths are there. To some, it allows for an understanding of the human thought process, of motivation and of the power of the mind to act above the will of its owner.

This final link will take you to the video of Lopez's final moments. It is not excessively bloody or gruesome, but the fact remains that it is still footage of a suicide. It contains the full final three minutes and once again serves as a window into the troubled mind of a disturbed individual.

Link to the video.