Masks - Part I

We all wear masks. Every one of us, every day. Whether it be for the point of "doing the right thing", or not offending or pretending to be something we're not is irrelevant. The point is that every one of us pretends a little bit each day.

I have anxiety and depression issues. I hesitate to say that "I suffer" from them, as in general I do not. On occasion one of them can flare to a point of discomfort. At such times I have no issue with taking medication to level back out. But I dislike the thought of staying medicated.

Anxiety and depression are deeply intertwined with the funny little creature I like to call me. Lose my anxiety and my energy levels drop. I lose some of the idiosyncrasies of my character that are brought about by my constant fears and paranoias. If my depression is taken away, the cynical side of me somewhat dies. Medicate me and I cease to be me, the voice in my mind that controls my fingers and urges me to create dies out.

So, you take the good with the bad. I'm currently in a bit of a depression swing. As a result my output has lessened over at Bonez. I'm not mired in a sea of self pity or anything like that, just a general malaise and lack of enthusiasm for life. I'm not sad, just...ambivalent. The world has gone gray. A wasteland of banality, devoid of color and almost deafening in its silence. This tends to make me distance myself a bit from those I care about and I generally become a "frump", easily irritated and moody, but never an outright jerk. (That's just not part of my personality.)

But in the interest of keeping up appearances I put on the mask of normalcy. Or, as normal as people expect me to be. (Which honestly, is pretty far from normal.) I trudge into work after an evening of no rest and sleepwalk my way through the day, pushing the appropriate buttons and saying the correct words in order to make time pass as easily as possible. I come home and blindly surf the net or play games.

It's times like this that I just lose my drive and my interest. I apologize for the dearth of posting on my part at the moment and I will no doubt return in the near future. Usually the desire to create will hit and then I'm right back on the wagon.

Those of you who also deal with mental issues will understand. Those that either lack mental issues or choose to ignore them sometimes have a difficult time in understanding why some of us just "switch off" from time to time.